Weirdo – The Vaccines

vaccines-comeofageOn the first twang of guitar, I thought I’d hate this one, but it became an anthem. When I was going through a weird time of identity and trying to find mine in the context of a relationship, this song came along and reminded me that it’s okay to be me– that someone will have the power to put up with a weirdo like me– that I could complete some other weirdo. Sincerity counts, accusations don’t help, things get crossed, and shit falls apart. I couldn’t let it go in that relationship– I was treated like a weirdo and assigned psycho-babble that I didn’t think fit me (I’ll take neurotic, insecure, and distant from the song’s protagonist, though), but I started to consider them and impose them on myself. What I mean is I would be a horrible secret agent. It’s not that I’m that easily influenced, but I consider what I hear and sometimes get stuck in that consideration. I internalize, maybe. Have I already told you about the one girl who told me “You look good in button-ups,” which is a compliment, and my internal response of “I look bad in everything else.” I got over it, but I had to work through it in my head first. And once I was at this party after a wedding and I was in the suit and tie, ending up at some party full of people who work in theatre and were casually dressed. I felt like a weirdo there, too. And a girl there, Lauren Costanza, berated me for being by myself and away from the party. I didn’t know anyone, I was over-dressed, and sober. Instead of having a level of sensitivity for people who don’t know social grace, I got bullshit from someone who was obviously more confident in that casual moment than I had ever known.1 I remember being so angry– it was like demeaning social abuse, and I bet she doesn’t remember a second of it. But she didn’t understand me, and I get that. I don’t want to be that kind of person, ya know? Life is a fluid thing.2 We have to re-evaluate things often or we don’t grow. Sure, maybe it makes me a weirdo to re-evaluate so often, but I guess that’s better than never doing it at all. And now that I’m single again, I don’t know who the hell I am or what to be. But now I can hold the reins a bit more. You need to know yourself before you can stand by that self, and I think it’s a good time to get to know what makes me tick and what I want from life.

  1. I’m not dissing her because I can’t let go, just recalling a moment. []
  2. That’s one of my favorite images from the TV show In Treatment— the little water-flowing desk thing in the credits. []
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